Warning: This article might contain extreme views inciting to violence and scuffles. These are just views and sentiments not meant to be executed with live people.
When I say Aunties, let me clarify, it is not just the elderly ladies I am referring to. Aunties come in all shapes and sizes in the ‘homeland of the pure’. Some are born ‘Auntiya’, the ones you call ‘khhappati auratein”, with an x-ray vision to examine the minutest detail about you, a smirk and a sarcastic remark ready, the moment they step into the world. These Aunties, have a knack to say just the thing that hits your soft spot. They have mastered the “I know what you did last summer”, look so well that all you wish is to get hold of a pepper spray bottle and empty its contents in their eyes.
Here is a list of the top most irksome lines, which you probably want to answer with a scream but due to the imminent risk of being rushed to the lunatic asylum, hold your horses instead.
1. Kamzur Lag Rahi Ho?
When you have been regular with exercise, good eating habits and you are at your leanest then comes this question cum comment, which just kills it for you. It’s like you just stepped out in your newest Sana Safinaz jora, and a car passes by flinging muddy roadside water on your clothes. Although, I know some elderly ladies who say it, out of pure concern, they have just not outgrown the era where being overweight was thought of as a sign of prosperity.
What you want to say: Welcome to the 21st century, where the curves of Anjuman are now outdated and size ‘0’ is the new ‘in’ thing. Besides, as far as I know, you are a member of Jama Pehlwan’s family and need to look the part, not me.
What you actually say: “Bas aisey hee” or just smile it off.
2. Tumhe Kia Zaroorat Hai Exercise Ki?
When they spot you at the gym, for some its Envy with a capital ‘E’ and they cannot help but show their displeasure. Obviously, hiring personal trainers or going on fancy diets and 40+ days Challenges, having availed them naught, it irks them to see you slim and fit, without all the hoo-ha. Hence this worthless statement. Meanwhile, there are others who are well meant, who actually cannot understand why a thin person would exercise, since to them exercise is only for fat people. There is no concept of ‘fitness’, so it is ignorance which is just not bliss.
What you want to say: Maybe I don’t but you certainly DO! Perhaps try, not to spend as much money on Jutt Sweets and molten cakes, you might just get somewhere.
What you say: “Bas thora sa weight gain ho gaya tha”. If they have any sense, they should know you are just being modest and telling an outright lie, because as it is, you are also well aware that you are pretty much in shape. You are met by a ‘you are crazy look’; and rightly so, if you are silly enough to actually be insecure.
3. Shadi Kab Karwa Rahi ho?
If you are anything over 24, they have probably written you off by now, you might as well become a Nun. You are a permanent spinster, no hope for you. If over 28, you might as well hang yourself, because there is no life without a man. Unfortunately, they have never been around strong women who are independent, who can earn and provide for themselves, no less than a man can. So, they just cannot imagine that you can, in fact be happy rather happier on your own as you are free and not bound by a relationship. What you see as ‘freedom’, they perceive as ‘loneliness’. What is really your choice; to them it is lack of good proposals. The truth is you have become practical while somewhere inside they still believe in fairytales. It has just become a matter of different mentalities.
Contrarily, you could be someone waiting for Mr. Right and it’s now a sore spot. No matter what your case, nothing can stop them from asking this.
What you want to say: What will you take to get off my back?? I don’t remember being on your list of dependents, so can’t see how my marital status should be affecting you.
What you actually say: “Soon”, just smile, if you are the shy type. If you are a bit bold then “ jab aap koi achha rishta dhoond ke deingi”.
4. Mein Tu Kuch Khaa Ti Hee Nahi Pata Nahi Ye Motapa Kahan Se Agaya?
This is classic and one which can leave you in sheer amazement. Maybe these ladies actually believe they don’t eat anything. The leftovers, of everyone else’s food accounts as nothing for them, neither do the high fat and sugary snacks come in the counting. Only because they are not having proper meals, at proper timings, they feel as if they have not really eaten anything. When in fact, they could have had their daily requirement met through healthy meals. They instead opt for numerous meals, which add just a few hundreds more to their required calorie intake, still leaving them hungry.
The irony is they could very well be, furiously chomping away the mutton chops, right under your eyes, as they claim, with a helpless sigh “Mein tu kuch khaa ti hee nahi, pata nahi ye motapa kahan se aagaya?”
What you want to say: “Yeah right.. shayad motapa hamsayon se aaya ho.. lagta tu nahi hai, aapka parathey jaisa gol mun dekh k.” A look at their stuffed handbag and by now you have your doubts, shes hiding ladoos in them.
What you say : ‘Hormonal problem na ho phir,koi” or pass a sympathetic smile.
4. Baby Karney Ka Koi Irada Nahi?
If you are newly married or a year into your marriage; you will get this a lot. Whether it is your personal choice or you are having conception issues, it is something very private. Lord knows, why these women consider themselves entitled to a polite answer, to such an impolite question. To top it, some go to the extent of providing you with a gynecologist’s number, which if you barely know the person deserves to be answered with a punch, to be honest. But alas, the norms of society, refrain you once again.
What you want to say: “No I can’t have kids, are you volunteering for surrogacy?”
What you actually say: InshAllah, dua karein,” which is a bitter pill to swallow because you really want to scream and inform them, that it is absolutely none of their business.